Those of you that were around me about 4 years ago know all too well the ex that people [i.e. my adoring parents] fondly refer to as "Steve-O". Lucky for Ty, he came in four months after that saga came to an end and didn't have to meet the jackass. Pun intended. In that four month period, there is an experience I've suppressed and I think it's now worthy of sharing with a broader audience. Before I go any further, I need to out myself. After things ended with Steve-O, I was in this "I'll try anything" phase. (The phase lasted exactly one week.) One of the things I was dying to try was match.com and eharmony.com. The commercials talked about finding someone you were compatible with. The people were always walking on the beach hand in hand. Who wouldn't want to try it?
It didn't go very far, and you'll soon see why.
Let's go back to May 30th, 2006. Below is an email I sent to my mom and Lindsay after a first date gone ___________ [insert any word reflective of a horrible experience and then multiply it by 100,000,000,000,000,000].
You can all thank Lindsay for sending this back to me. I had apparently double deleted it immediately after I hit "send" 4 years ago. No idea why.
OK everything went fine until I realized I would be playing a part in Mary Poppins...
So, we met at Redmond Town Center's Starbucks. From the moment I saw him, I knew nothing would ever come of it - he simply was not my type. Tall, skinny, awkward, incredibly huge Adam's Apple (I thought people with those actually had deep voices... his is very Canadian and high pitched), high water jeans because I don't think they make jeans for people that tall, skinny ankles, upper lip much larger than bottom lip.... OK... if I didn't know by just the sight of him, then I would have known when he whipped out a piece of folded paper (after I introduced myself to him, and awkwardly - get ready, because that word is going to be included in this more than just a few times - half hand shake half hug him). Written on the outside of the paper says, "You can never say I am not romantic..." and when I open it I see it... A color copy red rose... Yes. I said it - the jolly green awkward giant handed me a paper rose within the first 20 seconds of meeting each other. I am sad to say, this is what I expected. Someone who writes that good of e-mails has to have good writing skills when their in person skills are this awkward.
We go into get coffee... I order a coffee frap, he orders a white chocolate mocha... that's my favorite hot drink, and so we had something to talk about. We wait for the drinks, I can't get my straw in, and we laugh... oh ho hum!
We walk out; he wants to see Maddie... We go get her out of the car... Everything's fine... until he wants to play the game of "this or that"... You know the one... Chocolate or vanilla, les mis or phantom, sweet or salty, rolling stones or beatles, and the list could go on and on... and it does. Until he looks at his phone and decides it’s off to the next spot of what is FOR SURE the most awkward date I have ever been on.
I go in and change at Claim Jumper - my short jean skirt and tennis shoes. I knew we were going to a park or something to walk Maddie... He had already given it away, so I came prepared. I leave him with Maddie, change, come back outside and I can't find them anywhere. After a 10 second freak out that he stole my precious dog, I see him playing with her around the corner. Phew...
We get in his TWO SEATER TEAL (the tealest I have ever seen in a car... tealer than Tealeta) Benz. I am not kidding... They actually come in that bright of color... We speed off into the sunset. Maddie on my lap, scratching the shit out of my legs and practically lifting up skirt to nanny length for the whole world to see.
We go into get coffee... I order a coffee frap, he orders a white chocolate mocha... that's my favorite hot drink, and so we had something to talk about. We wait for the drinks, I can't get my straw in, and we laugh... oh ho hum!
We walk out; he wants to see Maddie... We go get her out of the car... Everything's fine... until he wants to play the game of "this or that"... You know the one... Chocolate or vanilla, les mis or phantom, sweet or salty, rolling stones or beatles, and the list could go on and on... and it does. Until he looks at his phone and decides it’s off to the next spot of what is FOR SURE the most awkward date I have ever been on.
I go in and change at Claim Jumper - my short jean skirt and tennis shoes. I knew we were going to a park or something to walk Maddie... He had already given it away, so I came prepared. I leave him with Maddie, change, come back outside and I can't find them anywhere. After a 10 second freak out that he stole my precious dog, I see him playing with her around the corner. Phew...
We get in his TWO SEATER TEAL (the tealest I have ever seen in a car... tealer than Tealeta) Benz. I am not kidding... They actually come in that bright of color... We speed off into the sunset. Maddie on my lap, scratching the shit out of my legs and practically lifting up skirt to nanny length for the whole world to see.
We get to Marymore, where he opens the door for me, and gets a MAN PURSE out of the back seat. Lord knows what is in there. He then says, "We need to find a place that has both sidewalk and grass." Ooooook...... I let Maddie off her leash and she is in heaven... running around chasing the birds (this was the most fun I had all night). We find the spot he has been imaging all day, I am sure. He sets his purse down and brings out... SIDEWALK CHALK. No, I am not kidding you... (I have experienced rocks and sticks before, but this was new for me). Then he asks me (I can only imagine what my face looked like...) "Have you seen Mary Poppins?" I say that I have but I have no idea what he is doing... Then he says, "Do you remember the part with the sidewalk chalk and pictures?" Shit. I know what he is talking about, but he can't be doing what I think he is about to do... I ask him what I am supposed to do with the chalk and he says, "Well, where are you taking me?" No, I am not kidding. I wish I was. So having no clue what I am doing, I draw a picture of waves and a palm tree and sand, etc. He then has me stand up, WHILE WE JUMP INTO THE PICTURE like they do in the movie.... I am not joking. We do this twice before he asks me to trace him. He gets on the ground and has me trace him with white chalk as if he has been murdered. I ask him to close his eyes, so he won't look up my skirt as I stand above him and straddle him so he can be traced like a 5 year old. After this I am beside myself. I decide its time to find a stick and play with Maddie. We do this for awhile - he is telling me really weird and awkward (yes, that word again) stories about his friends... Oh wait, before I walked off to play with Maddie, he decided to draw a penis on himself on the sidewalk because his "friend did that once and it was really funny". That must have been why I decided it was time to step away from the chalk. After we throw the stick, we sit down. Things are fine... more of "this and that" and then he tells me the things that drive him crazy. He pulls my hair back and smells my neck, rubs my arm, the back of my leg... This is my queue - it's time to get the hell out of here. I stand up abruptly, telling him I am getting eaten alive my mosquitoes, (which I was - I can still feel them all over me... yuck) and I tell Maddie it's time to go.
As we are leaving, he says, "Well I told you what drives me crazy, what about you?" I don't understand what he is saying because I didn’t know that was what he was doing until now. I don’t know what to say, so I ask if he has ever heard of "goin' on a treasure hunt..." he never had, discussion over... I am walking ahead of him pretending to catch up with Maddie when he says, "what about this... wait you are running away from me..." I turn around, to see him gently headed for me head first with his hands out, ready to grab my ears when he dives in for the kill. He kisses me! I laugh, push him away and say, "whew, wasn't expecting that!" he holds my hand the entire way to the car while I make awkward conversation. We drive to my car, where he proceeds to do the same thing again - in which I react the same way, laughing and gently pushing him away. Thank you and goodnight.
To this day, I don't think I ever told my dad about this date. He would have bought me a tazer gun and a lifetime supply of mace.
Needless to say, I learned VERY quickly that it wasn't ANYTHING like the commercials.
Or Mary Poppins. I'm no Julie Andrews.
That's Maddie in the orange dress.